Jeeves.
According to the commercials, you can ask Jeeves anything at www.askjeeves.com, and he’ll find the answer. So I logged on, found the little "Ask!" field, and typed, "Should I get married?"
Jeeves seemed thrown by the question, because he took a long time coming up with an answer. I guess he was expecting those nerdy questions that other people ask Jeeves. You can see them below the "Ask!" field. In a box labeled, "Here’s what other people are asking Jeeves right now," I read questions like, "Where can I find recipes using ground orange peel?" and "Where can I find a list of 20th Century Russian leaders?"
But Jeeves decided to pass the buck on my question. He directed me to the Barnes & Noble web site to look up books on marriage. At first, I was a little irritated with Jeeves, but as I started perusing the book index, I realized that getting married is not the issue. Being able to answer lots of questions is the issue.
Apparently, in order to get engaged in the first place, you have to be able to answer a huge list of questions that would make the SATs look like a Cosmopolitan Quiz.
The questioning starts off simply enough with Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before (and After) You Marry by Leslie Parrott.
Only seven questions. That’s not so bad. I imagine most of the questions are pretty straightforward:
1. "Do you promise to be faithful to me for the rest of your life?"
2. "You do? Can you explain that lipstick on your collar?"
3. "That is NOT my lipstick! I don’t wear that shade!"
4. "Yes, I KNOW that wasn’t technically a question! Stop changing the subject!"
5. "All right, fine – you want questions? Here’s a question: Can you run fast enough to be out of visual range by the time I get this gun loaded?"
So the thought of having to ponder seven simple questions didn’t bother me too much. But then I saw the next title: Before Saying "Yes" to Marriage: 101 Questions to Ask Yourself by Sidney J. Smith.
One hundred and one questions? I guess in the interest of time, the groom can do all the wedding preparations while I read this book. If I get all the right answers, we can get married. If I fail, he needs to make sure we can get our deposits back on everything.
I thought that 101 questions were more than enough. But then author James F. Skoney informed me that that’s not nearly enough to make sure I’m ready for marriage. To save me and other potential brides from asking a measly 101 questions and possibly making the biggest mistake of our lives, he has written Are You Right For Each Other? Seven Hundred Fifty Questions to Ask Yourself Before Marriage.
I can see it now:
Potential Groom: Jennifer, will you marry me?
Me: Um, hold on a second. (Pulls out book) Let’s see. "Number One: Are you both sober?"
PG: What?
Me: Well, we’ve both had some wine, but only about a glass each. I think we’re okay. "Number Two: Are you both of legal age?" Since your birthday was last week, that’s a "yes." "Number Three: Is he willing to give up hanging out in clubs all night with his no-good friends and stay home with you on Saturday nights to look at print swatches for the new drapes?"
PG: Um, look, why don’t we just forget it –
Me: Wait – we’ve only got seven hundred and forty-seven questions left to go. Next question: "Is there a history of violently psychotic behavior in your family?"
PG: There’s about to be. Give me the ring back.
You’d think that after going through this hyper-analytical process, you’d be free of questions for the rest of your blissfully married existence. Not according to authors Cyndi Haynes and Dale Edwards. After putting your groom through the third degree during the proposal, imagine his reaction on your first wedding anniversary when you give him the book 2002 Questions and Answers for Lovers. I guarantee he’ll be speechless.
Then again, his reaction may be the kind that has you purchasing Peggy Vaughan’s latest offering: Answers to Your Questions About Affairs.
Copyright 1998 by Jennifer Layton
