I'm Alive
In Here
(my blog)
December 2, 2007
New Book Idea!
| Because of the pain from the
root canal and how queasy the painkillers made me feel, I could only keep down oatmeal for
a few days. Yesterday, I ate a little bit of fried rice, my first solid food. Today, I put
on my jeans, and they're a little looser. Now that it doesn't hurt so much to chew, my appetite is coming back, and I'm ravenously hungry all the time. I'm not too worried. In two weeks, I have to go to a specialist for Part Two of the root canal, and then I'll have to get the crown made and then actually fitted. With all those visits and the amount of pain I'll be in, I'll be a size 10 in no time. Which would make a great diet book. “Injure Your Way to Svelte-Hood!” Here is an exclusive sneak peek just for my web site visitors: STEP ONE Get a root canal. Even if you don't need one. Spend three days just eating 2 bowls of oatmeal per day. STEP TWO When mouth heals, get another root canal. Just think, if you have the full set of 32 adult teeth, that's 32 weeks of recovery, which can mean a lot of weight loss! Be sure to stock up on oatmeal. Don't get the kind with raisins because it REALLY hurts to chew. I suggest Maple and Brown Sugar. At the end of this stage of the treatment, you'll be noticeably thinner and more regular than that geyser at Yellowstone. STEP THREE When you're out of teeth, get someone to punch you in the jaw. Don't put any ice on the swelling. Let it swell up so you can't get your mouth open without a lot of pain. Switch to drinking smoothies through a straw because there's no way you'll be able to wedge a spoon in there. You'll be sick of oatmeal anyway. STEP FOUR By now, you should be the vision of gorgeousness. But if you've still got that last stubborn five pounds, here's the drastic final step. Clear your schedule and watch 72 straight hours of America's Next Top Model. Make sure you have someone monitoring you during this step. There's a real danger that your brain will snap and you'll run outside and try to hurl yourself under a bus. However, if you can make it through, you'll be so disgusted with the TV networks and humanity in general that you'll pretty much lose your appetite altogether. Those last five pounds will melt away, along with your optimistic outlook and sunny disposition. With any luck, those will come back eventually. If they don't, well hey, you still look great. |
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Feature
Articles
Includes interviews with Larry Burnette of the 70s band Firefall, comedians Bill Burr and
Gary Gulman,
Train guitarist Jimmy Stafford, and former Soul Coughing frontman Mike Doughty.
Press
Relations
As the Assistant Editor at Indie-Music.com, I will occasionally write articles geared
toward
independent musicians. These articles focus on publicity, management, and bios.
CD
Liner Notes
I was honored to be asked to write the liner notes for Nathan Davis' Live album.
Album
Reviews
Just a few examples of the reviews we do at Indie-Music.com. If you're interested in
being
reviewed at Indie-Music.com, click
here for the guidelines.
Artist
Bios
Lots of indie artists email me with questions about how to write a bio. Here are
some examples
I've written for other artists. If you'd like one written for you, email me, and I can set you
up with one of the writers on the Indie-Music.com staff.
Prices range from $50-$100, depending on length.
J
Street Humor
This is how my writing career began, writing humor columns for
my own J Street site and NetWits Magazine.
It's
all about me
Who am I? What makes me tick? What are my likes? My dislikes? Get to
know me!
(And if anyone can tell me where that quote is from, email me and win my total admiration.)
Email me
Pretty self-explanatory.
Links
These are a few of my favorite people, places, and things on the web.
(Yes, I know you know what "links" means, but I had to put something here.)