By the way, folks, we do apologize for the 20-minute boarding delay. We should still arrive in Philadelphia on time. According to our sources at the weather center, we’ll have 100 mile-per-hour tailwinds pushing us along, and that will help a lot. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight.

(15 minutes later)

Once again from the flight deck, good morning. You may have noticed that we are finally pulling away from the terminal, which now puts us at 35 minutes behind schedule. But those tailwinds I mentioned earlier should help us make up the time, and the good folks in the control tower have put us first in line for takeoff. So sit back and relax, and we’ll be in the air shortly.

(17 minutes later)

Yet again, good morning from the flight deck, ladies and gentlemen – rather, good afternoon by now. Sorry about the fact that we’re still sitting on the runway behind a row of other planes. Guess the good folks up in the control tower turned out to be lying bastards. Heh heh – OW! Uh – sorry, folks, my co-pilot just kicked me in the shin, I’m assuming ACCIDENTALLY. I assure you, we’ll be taking off shortly, and we still should be able to make the time up in the air.

(22 minutes later)

Well folks, it looks like we’ll be delayed for another few minutes here on the runway. I am not at liberty to tell you why, but I can tell you that my wife and I live next door to that guy up in the control tower, and he’s not too bright. His wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead. All I’m saying is, if you’re gonna run around your house naked, waving those toy Fisher-Price airplanes and yelling "Vroom Vroom" at the top of your lungs, at least close the damn shades.

But don’t worry, folks, because I’m determined to make up every bit of time we’ve been losing this afternoon. I’ve pretty much run out of ways to make up the time in the air, so I’m just going to wheel over to the side and cut past the jet in front of us. Make sure your seat belts are securely fastened because I’m going to be doing some pretty jerky maneuvering here. I know that pilot in front of us, and believe me, he deserves to be shoved back in line. He wouldn’t quit flirting with my wife at the AirDelay Holiday Party last week. In fact, those of you on the left side of the plane should be able to get a good look at his face as we careen around him. Remember, at AirDelay, we encourage passengers on the left side of the plane to shoot the moon through the windows. Especially the really big guy in seat 15A. Hang on!

(10 seconds later)

Ha ha! Boy, did he look surprised! Incidentally, that jolt we took when we clipped the edge of their wing may have caused settling of baggage, so please use caution when opening the overhead compartments. And on behalf of the flight crew, I’d like to request that all passengers trying to call 911 on their cellular phones please refrain from doing so during the remainder of taxi, takeoff, and flight. Cell phones can really interfere with my navigational equipment, and I think we’re having quite enough problems right now, thank you.

Now for some good news, folks! I’ve just been informed by our weather center that an unexpected Category 5 hurricane has slammed into the coast just north of us! I figure if I time this perfectly, I can fly us right into the hurricane and use those 150 mile-per-hour winds to just shove us right into Philly. Won’t that be great? The entire flight could be over in twenty minutes! Of course, we may have trouble stopping, but we’ll throw ourselves off that bridge when we get to it. And we’ll be doing this without any help since that wimp up in the control tower is closing down the airport just because the hurricane is heading our way. He’s such a hotshot Fisher Price pilot, but throw him one little hurricane, and suddenly he’s a sniveling little – HEY! OOOMPH! WHA – CRASH!

(Silence)

Hello, ladies and gentlemen, this is Arnold, your co-pilot. Our navigator just dropped his 40-pound monitor on our captain’s head, I’m assuming ACCIDENTALLY. We’ll be returning you to the terminal in just a few minutes, so I’d like to request that the horde of passengers trying to rip off the door please refrain from doing so until the aircraft has come to a complete stop. Thank you.

Copyright 1998 by Jennifer Layton