On behalf of hockey fans everywhere, I’d like to thank all of you for coming to my seminar entitled, "Get The @#$% Over Yourselves Already and Play Some Hockey."

Yes, I know, technically you didn’t arrive here of your own free will. That’s why I’d also like to thank actor/comedian and fellow hockey enthusiast Denis Leary for spending the last few days rounding you guys up, knocking you unconscious, and throwing you one by one into the trunk of his car to get you here. By the way, Mr. Leary is standing by the exit with a sharpened hockey stick and a seriously homicidal attitude because I’ve hidden his cigarettes and car keys. So if you even think of leaving before we straighten this whole mess out, prepare to be disemboweled.

And yes, that is Alan Thicke standing by the other exit. You may think you’ve got a better chance getting past him, but he had some kind of mishap with a hockey puck last year and isn’t in the most pleasant of moods either. I missed the details. Something about "mouthpieth thafety." At any rate, I’d like to thank Mr. Thicke for being here as well.

Now. I am a relatively new hockey fan. I attended my first game last March and promptly upgraded my cable package so I could watch the Carolina Hurricanes games on FOX Sports. I then promptly downgraded my cable package so I wouldn’t have to see how badly they were playing. Honestly, guys, I’ve seen lines at the DMV move faster than that. The only reason you ‘Canes won as many games as you did was because your goalie, Kevin Weekes, was the most amazing goalie in the history of the game. Kevin’s bones are made out Silly Putty, enabling him to stuff the puck down his opponent’s throat while simultaneously blocking attempted goals at games being held several miles away.

Which is why I blame Carolina’s coaching staff and management for this whole NHL lockout brouhaha. You let him go. I don’t know if you traded him or fired him or just let him go, but according to the Hurricanes’ web site, Kevin was "acquired" by the New York Rangers after the season ended. What does that mean? Do you mean "acquired" as in collecting rare coins, or do you mean the way I had Denis Leary "acquire" each of you over the past few days? Why didn’t anyone stop Kevin from leaving? And how did you think you were going to win any games in the 2004-05 season without him?

The answer is, you didn’t. That’s why I’m convinced Head Coach Peter Laviolette and Owner Peter Karmanos Jr. had something to do with this lockout. Which is why we’re going to take a break so I can lock those two gentlemen in a room with Alan Thicke for five hours while he delivers an in-depth and exhaustive dissertation on the face cage. Have fun, guys.

For the rest of you, let’s move on. Perhaps you are wondering why I waited until nearly three months into the lockout before holding this seminar. It’s because I just read a Sports Illustrated article saying that all the locked-out NHL players will be having to take a stipend of $10,000 per month for November and December. I wondered why you guys were being paid so much to do nothing, and then I went on to read that, for the players, $10,000 per month IS A PAY CUT.

I know that baseball, football, and basketball players get insane salaries. If you offered Latrell Sprewell $10,000 per month, he’d file for Medicaid. (He says he can’t feed his family for anything less than fourteen million dollars. His kids must weigh a ton.) But hockey isn’t that big on the national radar. So, I naively assumed, hockey players must make normal salaries and lead somewhat normal lives.

You all can stop laughing now. I mean it. I have a gun.

And don’t think I’m letting you NHL corporate types off the hook, either. I don’t know all the details, but apparently you blew a ton of money on corporate expansion because you were under the mistaken impression that hockey was on its way to being America’s new national pastime. Look around. Do you see Leo DiCaprio throwing tantrums in the stands? Do you see Janet Jackson flashing her boobs? Do you see – what? Where? Janet, how the hell did you get in here? Get out!! Geez, that woman will do anything for attention.

Where was I? Right – the league owners. You’re just as boneheaded as the players, so don’t think I’m letting you off easy. I don’t want to hear about luxury taxes and salary caps and all that other crap. I’m going to make this simple.

First: $10,000 per month is a perfectly reasonable salary for a hockey player, so that’s what your salaries will be from now on. If you say that’s not enough to feed your kids, I’m sending experts from National Geographic over to your house to determine if your kids are not, in fact, a couple of blue whales you kidnapped on your recent trip to Costa Rica.

Second: You league owners can scrap whatever plans you have for expansion. We don’t need expansion. All we need is the Jumbotron. When I’m watching a game, I just want to see the score, the names of the people involved in the fight, and an occasional shot of a drunken fan trying to answer a trivia question so he can win a free bottle of Pennzoil. And while you’re here, please tell me why the NHL gives away prizes like windshield wiper fluid, motor oil, and Jiffy Lube coupons. What are we, NASCAR? This is hockey. People are beating each other up. How about if I can name the top scorer of the season, you pay the deductible on my medical insurance for the next five years?

See? We just need to compromise. By the end of this seminar, I’ll have us all back on the ice, laughing about how silly we’ve all been. Now, I’m going to get Mr. Leary some nicotine gum before he starts foaming at the mouth. If you all can come up with some kind of plan to get Kevin Weekes back to North Carolina by the time I get back, I’ll even let you start taking bathroom breaks.

Jennifer Layton
2005